This has been a good day. Thank you, Lord! I have never started a diet, changed my eating plan, and had such peace, happiness, and fullness. Except for the first night, I have not been hungry. And I’ve not obsessed about food or what I would eat for the next meal. After struggling for 14 years, I am wondering why this time feels so different. Is it because I spent several weeks thinking, reading, meditating and planning? I have read a stack of books written by people who have lost weight. I have wanted to know how they dealt with the yo-yoing, the frustration and pain, and what caused them to finally succeed. In each book, I have read things that mirrored my experiences or feelings.
Strangely, this time I haven’t looked for the perfect new diet that included revelations of the “good” foods allowed and the “bad” foods to avoid. It’s a relief to know that I will lose weight if the calories I burn are more than the calories I consume. And if I have an average deficit of 500 calories each day for a week, I will lose one pound that week. All I have to do is move more and eat less. One of my goals is to eat healthy, whole foods with no preservatives. I don’t want to take medicines for high blood pressure. I don’t want to worry about having a stroke, heart disease, or diabetes. Although I also want to look cute in small jeans with my shirt tucked in and wearing a belt.
The first step toward those goals is to lose the weight. And I like feeling that when I have days when I want to eat fast food or go out with friends and family, I can eat what they are eating if I am careful with portions. I can choose to have the hamburger or a slice of pizza or a dessert, and I will not throw up my hands and eat everything in sight because I “cheated” on my diet. In the past, I have binged for days after belittling myself for “cheating.” Figuring this out for myself has helped me with the anger I feel toward myself for having reached my goal weight so many times, and regained the weight when we hit a difficult place in our lives.
We've lived in two different houses when I reached my goal weight, and shortly afterward we found we had mold in the house and had to move into an apartment for months. My difficult times haven’t been trivial. One day I am going to list every time that I have let myself be knocked off the track and have ballooned back to my Cringe Weight. I read that in a blog today. The blogger asked for people to tell her what their Cringe Weight was. My cringe weight is 196. After the first time, right after cancer, I have come close to 196 two times. Now I'm realizing that in this life I don't say "if we hit a difficult time" but rather "WHEN we hit a difficult time."